Letting Go of Perfectionism in Parenthood
For many people, parenthood is far more challenging than they expected— especially for those who tend towards perfectionism, people-pleasing, over-functioning, and high achievement.
If you were someone who felt competent, capable, and in control before becoming a parent, the transition can feel especially disorienting. The skills that once helped you succeed may no longer work in the same way, leaving you feeling anxious and exhausted, despite doing your best.
Many parents seek therapy during this stage because parenthood brings burnout, anxiety, grief, and a profound loss of control that isn’t often talked about openly. Parenthood can also place enormous strain on relationships and many parents benefit from couples therapy during this transition.
The Emotional Weight of Fertility, Pregnancy, Birth, and Postpartum
For some parents, the emotional toll begins long before baby arrives. Fertility challenges, pregnancy loss, or complications can result in chronic stress and grief. Even with preparation, pregnancy can involve physical discomfort, emotional vulnerability, and uncertainty of what’s ahead. There may be trauma from the birth or situations that cause disappointment or loss of agency.
Then comes the upheaval of postpartum life— sleep deprivation, hormonal changes, identity shifts, relationship strain, career rearranging, and the constant needs of a dependent child. Even parents with support often feel overwhelmed. For those without it, the strain can be profound.
Raising babies, toddlers children, and eventually teens brings ongoing emotional highs and lows. Many parents find themselves wondering why something they wanted so deeply feels so hard.
Loving Your Kids and Struggling at the Same Time
One of the most painful myths about parenting is that gratitude should cancel out struggle.
But the truth is:
You can love your children beyond measure
You can feel gratitude for a life you dreamed of
You can have wished to be a parent wholeheartedly
And still feel stretched beyond your capacity. Two things can be true at the same time. Parenthood is both a beautiful gift and a demanding, life-rocking responsibility. Your nervous system overwhelm is just your body and mind doing their jobs!
The Loss of Control
Parenthood requires a level of vulnerability and risk that few other experiences demand. The responsibility feels enormous and the stakes feel impossibly high. And much of what once felt manageable is no longer within your control.
Children are their own people. Bodies change. Plans unravel. Illness, emotional storms, and developmental concerns arise without warning.
For many parents— especially high-functioning adults— this loss brings real grief: grief for autonomy, ease, identity, and the predictability of pre-parent life. This grief deserves compassion, not shame.
Parenting Without a Villiage
In today’s society, many parents are raising kids with far less communal support than for the majority of human history. Extended family may be unavailable or inconsistent. Social structures often expect parents— especially mothers— to “do it all” without adequate rest or care.
We are not designed to parent in isolation. When we parent without enough support, burnout is not a personal failure— it’s a predictable outcome.
Reminder: This Is a Season
When you’re in the middle of it, the season you’re in can feel endless. But like all of life, seasons pass.
This season may be asking you to loosen perfectionism, grieve what has passed, and practice meeting your new self with compassion. Over time, parents find that they emerge stronger, wiser, and more emotionally grounded— not because they did everything perfectly, but because they learned how to love themselves through the tough seasons. Sometimes, all we can do is surrender to the transformation.
Therapy for New Parents
If you’re in a season of struggle, whether that be individually or in your relationship(s), therapy can help you emerge more gracefully through this transformation and create a version of your life that feels sustainable.
I provide video and phone sessions for individuals and couples anywhere in California. I offer a complimentary 20-minute consultation to explore if we would be a good fit to work together. Contact me to ask more questions or schedule today. I look forward to supporting you.
